Life can be really hard sometimes. And I guess harder for some than for others. I read a message from an ex boyfriend to another friend saying he wants to move back to Johannesburg, but has nowhere to go; he is lonely and so forth. Having dated this guy, this was something I was well acquainted with; the nowhere to go story. But it wasn’t all bad, just really intense for the most part.
Our relationship was one of psychedelics and ecstasy, cocaine, morphine and more weed than I care to admit to; with the most insane bong collection to boot. We were like partners in crime, we ripped up dance floors, wore beanie crowns and laughed just about until we cried (and there was plenty crying). I will never forget meeting him, gaydar went bizerk, but somehow we ended up together, then living together, then crying at a clinic, then breaking down, then breaking up, then cleaning up, then moving on. I will never forget the day we spent at Helen Joseph hospital waiting in the psych clinic, I will never forget the day we ended it, he moved out and I was left with a flat I couldn’t afford and cat I couldn’t give up; It was a time of many tears, self hatred and a small crashing and burning episode; but after a few days in bed, shaking from anxiety and starvation, I put my big girl panties on and got back to the living. (When I look back now it seems so ridiculous that I went through all that) I found a place, a small place to call my own, a small place for Munro and I. I furnished it with fun stuff….
And then…. He had nowhere to go, no money. His friends had decided he couldn’t stay with them anymore. Whats a guy to do? He phones up the ex who just started getting her life together and asks if he can stay a while. Being the good Samaritan (parp parp – blowing own trumpet here), I asked my landlady and he moved into my lounge. In the meantime, I had cleaned up my act, started dating again and in the end asked him to leave; he hadn’t contributed to expenses and I wanted to bring George back to my place so he could leave his shoes under my bed. At first I missed him, there is something comforting about having someone to come home to that you can just hang out with, but it was time to part ways and get on with our own lives.
After all that, after reading the message on Facebook, I got wondering how he has not been able to escape the cycle that is his life. Both his parents died soon after each other and he was left on his own, I don’t know the other details of his life but he is almost back to where I last saw him. Is it choices he is making or is it just the path he has to walk to learn a lesson? Surely life cannot be so hard? Or are those who are lucky enough to not be in a big dark pit of sadness and the likes just that… Lucky?
These things have been going through my mind for a long time. I reckon you get what you believe you deserve. If you are not getting what you want, ask yourself… What am I doing to get what I want? What crap am I convincing myself of that is putting hurdles up everywhere? If I think I am not good enough, the universe takes that one literally and doesn’t give me what I want because I don’t think I deserve it. If I am lonely I am looking outside myself for love, happiness and success.
God knows I have felt lonely. I used to call loneliness my faithful companion and back then I had this real fucked up view of what success what, what love was and what happiness was. Never once did I consider taking responsibility for myself. It was always everyone else who was responsible for the situation, the way I felt and so on; it could not have ever been me.
There are times I find myself blaming people for the way I feel. But upon further reflection and a few slaps, I realize that I made choices and it is those choices that are the reason for any circumstance I find myself surrounded by. There are of course those things that are out my control, like a job I want at work, I swear, I have been performing the role, I have stood on my head and whistled the star spangled banner out my behind and nothing is coming of it; again though, I have made the choice and allow myself to be exploited; it is super cheap to have 1 person performing 2 roles. Maybe blessings in disguise? I am almost certain of that.
I don’t believe we are always left in the hands of fate and destiny, we have choices that can steer our course. There is that cycle, but as soon as we are aware of it, things change; why? because a choice was made to push on and move on up.
The pen is in your hand, you are the writer of your own story; You decide how it ends, no one else. You have the power to create an awesome one.
Waffle waffle !! 😉 I think the point is somewhere in here…. get out the puddle of self pity and onto the stage of awesome.