Dear Diary: Love Letter

dear diary

Dear Candice,

I know that you are not into Valentines day; the 14th of February is a day that holds no significance in your life at all. You believe that love is an every day gig and no soppy love letter or delicious box of chocolate is going to make you weak at the knees; although that nail polish in your lunch bag this morning made you smile. But in all this, I think you should really know how wonderful I think you are, so today, you will get a soppy love letter from yourself.

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When you were growing up, you always knew you were different; you knew that you were meant for great things, you just did not know what it was at the time; you told everyone you wanted to be a movie star and many found it so endearing when you would announce that bunny rabbits eat carrots (roll the r’s there). A proper little clown that would recite adverts and then crash yourself laughing. You were weird sometimes, but no more weird that most I am sure. Your son certainly got his stage acts from you. You loved music and would have a sound track to games you played; when you climbed into your own little world where it was fun, full of sunshine and safe.

As you grew up a little more each year, you buried that sense of love; the love for yourself, the love for the world and the love for the little things. You got obsessed with your weight, you wanted so badly to fit in you hurt yourself in the process. You took blades to your skin because you thought that you could bleed the pain away; rid yourself of the haunting images that frequented your mind. You took drugs, you drank too much sometimes and your daily pot smoking was not condusive to sanity. You thought that weed made you creative, that it chilled you out. You liked ecstasy because it helped you open up and be friendly. And all that lead you down a path of self destruction, leaving you lost in the wilderness. You lost your zest. And when you find our way, you fell down that rabbit hole again after Kelso was born. The theme here – you neglected yourself. You didn’t tap into your awesome, you looked outside yourself for happiness, for love and acceptance. But it was in you all along.

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But today, you are shining example of how self love and focus can bring you back into balance. Sure, things sometimes don’t go your way and you get a bit bleak, but you are able to move through all that a lot easier. And sure, you get anxious, you catch yourself making a conscious effort to avoid conflict and confrontation, but you don’t get into a flat spin like you used to, you are able to put on those big girl brooks and get on with it. Sometimes you sit and wonder if you are just putting on a show for yourself and others, but rule number one – don’t doubt yourself, you have come a long way on your journey and just keep going. When you loose your way, you become aware of it and make changes to find your way again, this is awesome. And you can be super proud. And you have also decided to embrace your inner weird. Because weird is the new black; it is so in there, it is out there.

Forgiving yourself for the fears that you projected for no good reason has been a good thing for you. Never forget to remember that fear is an illusion, a nasty game the ego plays. When you feel the fear, say out loud “ONLY LOVE IS REAL” and smile because you were conscious of it.

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Your sparkle is returning, your creative essence is starting to rear its pretty head, its looking good for you missy. Fail or Succeed, you know that the choice is yours. You have greatness within you, believe it, feel it, love it, live it, rock it. Say it with me…

I AM Awesome

Happy Valentines Day.

Lots of Love

Candice

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