So often we base our today’s on our yesterday’s and we are always hoping that tomorrow will be better. We will blame events and circumstances in our past for the way things are. And if you really think about it, is that really fair? I don’t think I had a bad childhood, I don’t think I had a blossoming awesome one either. I suppose it was pretty standard. These days divorce is so every day, the kids who live with both their parents are a rare species. I guess this could be a reason for me not seeing marriage as an important part of my path. Yes, I live a proverbial life of sin according to many. But I don’t subscribe to judgment, so I am ok with the choice we have made thus far! I am pretty happy with how it has all worked out. Anyways, be that as it may, that’s a story in itself. *note to self – write about view on this*.
I spent a great many years playing the blame game *Smack my bad self*. My parents blame their parents and so forth and so on. I recall my mother blaming her weight issues on her mother, because she was never allowed to eat the 2nd slice of bread. I reminded her that as a 50 something, who got married at 19, she has actually had more years of making her own choices than her mother making the choices for her. Nothing like telling your own parents to build a bridge. But really, if I blamed every poor decision I have made on my parents, they would cringe. I am the way I am because I have chosen to be. And you only make this realization when you stop, drop and roll up all the issues and take your power back.
In my previous blog about reflections, I made a comment about the past haunting you. I read through my journals and wrote a lot about sickening images that frequented my mind, the dreams that came when I closed my eyes. I wrote about my self hatred as a result. I sit here, years later, ok with it all. I sometimes think that it was all part of this journey, I needed to experience horror, to have the ability to empathize, but to also be able to experience joy to the extent that I do on most occasions. It could be the reason why I am grateful to be alive. Having a gun to your head is a frightening experience and there were many times I had wished that the trigger was pulled so that I didn’t have to live with the experience. But I am so thankful that it did not turn out that way.
I spent many of my school years in counseling, A few after that medicated and the list goes on. I am not a fan of medication. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s place for sure and is necessary sometimes. The reason for this is because it can cause one to stop feeling and it is addictive. Sounds rich coming from someone who took long trips to fantasia and loved nothing more than dropping some pain medication as a recreational activity. But now days, I stick to homeopathy and meditation as forms of medicine. The breath is quite a fantastic pain killer, anxiety stopper and just an all round awesome thing. And its free, non addictive and you can breath all day long!!
The counseling did nothing for me at the time. I was an angry teenager who knew everything. Being all emotional is also quite fashionable. No one really likes the bouncy happy teen. They are creepy! Well, thats what we all believed. It was so cool to be deep and morbid. You get way more air time. I see this pattern on social media.
But to the point, what I was told was that I needed to forgive. “FORGIVE?? – Is this man for real? My life has been RUINED AND I MUST FORGIVE!!!!!”. Forgiveness sets YOU FREE. It means that you are able to move forward. It means that you are in control, It means that you are no longer allowing anyone else to control you. I did a perception management course when I first became a manager and we learnt to “find our locus of control”. It was one of the most inspiring courses I have ever done.
What I was also told was that I need to work through it. Not let it rot in the basket. One bad fruit in the basket can rot the rest. Toss the bad fruit. This may seem difficult. It is said that there are 4 stages of grief. The time taken to move through the stages depends largely on the issue at hand. If you look at all the issues dealt with, identifying each stage is pretty easy. It is easy to move through them once you are aware of where you are in the process.
(I thought creating this is happier colors because thats where we wan to be – happy!)
The haunting will never end until you reach acceptance. So it serves no real purpose to pack it all away. Allow yourself to feel each emotion. I am even a firm believer in tantrums. I can be a real screamer given half the chance. I used to have a bowl of lemons and an open wall. Allow yourself to scream it out if you like. Pillows are really great and so is driving on the highway giving it your all. We so often put up walls, wear masks, heck, I had a fancy mask for every day of the week. Its nice to play dress up, but it is just as nice to be yourself and just feel the way you do, and be allowed to do so. Boxes cannot stay closed forever and that pesky file 13 has a nasty habit of overflowing until you finally dispose of the garbage. I hate nothing more when someone says; “Ag, just get over it man!”. Uhm, no. Don’t go over it, go through it. What happened to Dory and Marlin when they went over the trench and not through it? They were faced with Jelly fish (if I am not mistaken). Lessons to be learnt compliments of Pixar! :-).
Deal with things in small pieces. Take as much time as you need to and believe that you can overcome anything. No mountain too high, No river too deep. Wake up every day and thank the universe that you were afforded the opportunity to live another day, to open your eyes, to take in fresh air. You cannot go back to yesterday, its done. You have today, you have now and for sure, have your plans for the future, but nothing is cast in stone.
In the spirit of the ever popular quote posters – I made my own. For fun.
May the light of love shine through and over and all around.
Keep Shining. ♥